“Why don’t you admit the President is dead,” reporters demanded of White House spokesman Hogan Gidley.
“The President is not dead,” Gidley told reporters. “He’s resting.”
“No he’s not. He’s dead,” reporters shouted.
“He is no such thing,” Gidley shot back. “He’s pining. For the fjords.”
“He’s not pining,” NBC News’ Robert Costa protested. “You have him wired to a bunch of 5-woods and propped up with golf bags full of sand.”
“Well, if we hadn’t weighted him down with his golf gear we wouldn’t be able to contain him. You know how energetic your favorite President is. He’d be, like, ‘Voom!’, a veritable dervish of non-stop activity. All he does is work, work, work.”
“Then how do you explain his ashen complexion, the lack of his singularly putrid orange glow?” correspondent April Ryan demanded. “Look at him Hogan — the ashen pallor around his eyes actually matches the rest of his face!”
“A lot of people lose some their naturally tanned complexion during the winter months,” Gidley explained. “And the President, while a remarkably hale and healthy human ideal, is no exception.”
“No! No! No!” Costa shouted. “He’s not pining! He’s passed on! This president is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn’t propped him up he’d be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, he’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENT!!”
“No more questions,” Gidley said.