My apologies for putting something so long here, but i just can’t help myself. I love this blog!
Behold! Last Week, Right Now!
Ghost Buses and Kidney Punches: America is Finally Great Again
Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here?
Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when President Trump returns to the White House,” well, I confess I don’t want my entire existence to be crushed. I don’t want any of my existence to be crushed, honestly…except maybe those pesky love handles that always manifest around the holidays, amirite?
I dunno, maybe it’s these plans I keep reading about, to construct Stephen Miller’s Barbie Dream Concentration Camps, or amass an army of 54,000 goose-stepping Constitution-shredders to staff the federal government, but it definitely feels a little fashy in here. Maybe I should put on a sweater.
With the apparatchiks tending to the burdensome details of dismantling democracy, Off-Brand Orbán’s days are free for recreational activities, such as golf, and stochastic terrorism. Indeed, Wee Don asked MAGA Claus for a long list of assassinations, excuse me, “citizen’s arrests” this year, and he’s adding to it all the time.
For example, I’m still not sure what Judge Engoron’s clerk did to land her recurring role in the Two Minutes Hate, (presumably she’s been mouthing “Ivanka will never fuck you” throughout the proceedings) but the Dotard sure is trying real, real hard to set her up with Cult45’s next aspiring hammer-wielding psycho, whoever that may be.
As you’ve probably noticed, alongside all this authoritarianism and political violence, anti-Semitism is on the rise, which is surely one of those zany, one-in-a-million coincidences. I wouldn’t worry about it. Why, who can forget Donald’s heartwarming Rosh Hashanah message just two short months ago?
Ben Shapiro was shocked, shocked to hear anti-Israel sentiments expressed by Candace “Hitler got a bad rap” Owens. Nobody tell Ben how his buddies Tucker Carlson and Charlie Kirk’ve been talking; it’s best he remains as ignorant of the true intentions of the movement he’s enabled as he is of rudimentary reproductive biology.
Meanwhile, advertisers seem curiously underappreciative of Elon Musk’s bigot-amplifying strategy, either because of the nefarious manipulations of the Anti-Defamation League and their eeeeeeeeeeevil allies at Media Matters, or because they’re simply not geniusy enough to see the profit potential in associating their brands with pro-Nazi content.
Mere weeks after his feral caucus devoured his predecessor for passing a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, soon-to-be-former Speaker Mike Johnson passed a stopgap CR with Democratic votes, so I guess the intervening pandemonium served no function beyond destroying Kevin McCarthy’s career in excruciatingly humiliating fashion, which…I’m completely okay with, actually.
Reactions varied, however. Chip Roy, for example, pitched another of his famous C-SPAN shitfits. “We’re somehow even dumber and less competent without Louie Gohmert!” bellowed the Chipster, “HOW IS THAT EVEN FUCKING POSSIBLE?!?!?”
Anyway, since the whole “governing” thing hasn’t worked out, congressional Republicans have fallen back on the one thing the modern American Right does genuinely well: violence.
McCarthy (allegedly) revenged his un-Speakering upon an unsuspecting Tim Burchett’s kidneys, in a Capitol hallway, in front of reporters, showing off those next-level people skillz that made his brief tenure atop the House so famously productive.
(According to Adam Kinzinger, Kevin’s been deploying these plausibly deniable drive-by body check tactics for some time now, which I bet surprises you a whole lot.)
Even more masculine n’ impressive was Oklahoma Senator/emotionally-stunted manchild Markwayne Mullin, who tried to start a fistfight during a Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee hearing. Immediately following his juvenile outburst, Markwayne embarked upon the traditional wingnut media tour, blustering on about how much he can bench press until he tuckered himself out, demanded a juice box, and curled up in the fetal position for an overdue nap.
In contrast with Mullin’s mega-manly manfulness, beta cuck James Comer could only feebly stammer “Y-yeah, well you’re a S-S-Smurf” when Democrat Jared Moskowitz mocked his rank hypocrisy. Little twerp can’t even do toxic masculinity right.
It was at this point, right when you figured Republicans had finally reached rock bottom, dignity-wise, that Clay Higgins began ranting about “ghost buses,” alleging an FBI plot to convey legions of antifa false flaggers to the Capitol riot via automotive apparitions. Because he is insane, and very, very, very stupid.
Shit, the week saw so much congressional cray-cray, Marjorie Taylor Greene couldn’t break through to the front page, and she not only had one of her trademark “lookit how dumb Marj is” exchanges with FBI Director Wray, but also threatened a Cabinet secretary after failing to impeach him. The Republican lunacy market is actually tremendously competitive.
Well, I hope you’re happy, you puritanical scolds, all your prudish fussing about “ethics” and “campaign finance violations” finally drove George Santos out of public service! Sure, he’s broken more laws than any three Mafia families, but honestly, wouldn’t the world be a better place if more Republican donor money got funneled to Botox and OnlyFans rather than filling the courts with Federalist Society weirdos?
Having proved the doubters wrong by showing the world his surprisingly real, non-Canadian girlfriend, Tim Scott suspended his significantly less real presidential campaign, which no one will remember by this time next month.
While Tim is out, the QAnon Shaman is in, announcing a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, on a platform of Better Chow For Incarcerated Terrorists, setting up a potential debate with Blake Masters, which would surely be held in one of those evangelical church’s hell houses.
Speaking of Arizona, apparently Kari Lake’s tackin’ towards the center in her Senate run…or trying to, anyhow. What does “moderate” Kari Lake even look like? “Oh, Joe Biden didn’t steal the election, he just borrowed it, and forgot about it in the back of the garage.”
Look, I’m not about to welcome Jenna Ellis to the Resistance or anything, but if she wants to keep puking up bile all over the Trump clan’s shoes, I certainly won’t stand in her way. If she keeps testifying about Turd Reich officials saying shit like “The boss is not going to leave under any circumstances…we are just going to stay in power,” I suppose she can come to ONE party. And maybe even help herself to the vegetable tray, but the cheese plate is for people who understood overturning elections was wrong without getting indicted.
Devin Nunes has somehow managed to steer ivermectin influencer safe space Truth Social to $31 million in losses, an unanticipated setback for an accomplished leader who rose to prominence by losing a fight to an imaginary internet cow.
Seems there’s a “fresh” new influencer keeping it “lit” on TikTok: Osama bin Laden! All the kewl kids agree, Osama’s Letter to America is “fire” and they’d totes invite him over to “Netflix and chill” any day, because radical Islamic terror “slaps!”
The latest pocket of American Christofascism popped up Murfreesboro, Tennessee, where they actually made it illegal to be homosexual in public, another example of the laboratories of kakistocracy testing the limits of the 6-3 theocrat SCOTUS majority. Anyway, Murfreesboro is now considered a strong frontrunner to host the RNC, CPAC, and several Republican Senators’ granddaughters’ cotillions.
Incidentally, following a cascade of scandals, the Supreme Court issued a toothless, perfunctory ethics code, which stipulates Clarence Thomas must financially reimburse Harlan Crow for any human beings he hunts for sport in Harlan’s creepy dictator sculpture garden.
Checking in on the War on Xmas, news from the front is mostly positive, as Operation: Jade Helm, But With Gay Nutcrackers appears to have caught the enemy completely off guard.
Meanwhile, Smilin’ Joe Biden called Xi Jinping a dictator, revealed he forgot his own wife’s birthday, and still got him to cough up a fresh round of pandas. Superpower shit, muthafuckaaaaaas!
Heads up, there will be NO BLOG NEXT WEEK, as I will be observing the holiday, by giving thanks for the rare opportunity to spend a few days without pouring MAGA poison into my brain. I will also give thanks for everyone who joins the email list at showercapblog.com or follows @john_luzar at the Bad Place, and especially to everyone who donates to the Beer Fund, temporarily reimagined as the Beer and Pie Fund.
So, until we meet again in December, you stay safe out there, friend. Holiday travel can be perilous; you never know when you might find yourself trapped on a airplane with a barefoot anti-vaxxer.
