Discussion: Sexless and the City: On Being Black, Gay and Celibate

Discussion for article #233745

I donā€™t want to seem uncaring, but I really donā€™t care about the why or why not of other peopleā€™s sex lives.

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To each his own.

Thank you to Mr. Squire and TPM. You have given me a lot to think about. Mr. Squire, thank you sharing a bit of your journey. My best to you.

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What a wonderful perspective on a topic that isnā€™t much discussed in our sexually charged society. Many who are sexually active canā€™t even begin to grasp what celibacy is or what it might be like. Iā€™ve been celibate for over 25 years and have never looked back.

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Interesting perspective. From my own point of view, having grown up in an environment where sex was something kept quietly in the bedroom and issues of ā€œvirilityā€ and ā€œmanlinessā€ were nonexistent, being involuntarily celibate for the past 10 years sucks balls (no pun intended).

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Tinder

People who choose celibacy remind me of guys who have a full head of hair but shave it. They have no idea how irritating unattractive and/or actually bald people find that. When someone goes for years without sex because no one is interested or shaves his head because he has no hair, the urge to punch one of these nozzles is barely restrainable.

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Meh.

Thanks for sharing so openly on a subject many will not appreciate. My spiritual path does not view celebacy as a higher calling but does suggest channeling it into marriage. Like you, as a modern man, my first reaction was one of befuddlement. My thought was this is silly; none of us are virgins. Why not sample sex with a partner before marriage. Anything less seemed, frankly, insane.

But over time I came to see the wisdom. We have turned sex into such a nothing when it can be a deeply spiritual event. Remaining chaste before marriage set sex aside as something sacred, to be shared only with one person and only in an environment of deep commitment.

The first woman I dated on this spiritual path wanted to go that route but I was not willing. We had sex, on and off, but she often felt regret afterwards. Other times she would initiate but then pull away. It was all such a struggle. We broke up many times over it. But when that relationship ended and I met the woman Iā€™ve since married, we both embraced the opportunity to try something new. It was like, ā€œThis is our chance to do things the right way.ā€ For us it was right.

Sex is very sacred and beautiful for us. Itā€™s not the hottest sex Iā€™ve ever had. We donā€™t do it all that often. And yet I wouldnā€™t trade this for another experience. Itā€™s so intimate and so beautiful. In some ways it feels like weā€™re both 16, with totally pure hearts.

you donā€™t care so hard you just have to ocmment!

iā€™m bald and it doesnā€™t irritate me when men shave their full heads of hair, though i am somewhat bemused by the choice.

Interesting view you have. As I mentioned above, Iā€™ve been celibate for over 25 years. Firstly, it isnā€™t because Iā€™m unattractive or donā€™t have the opportunity. In fact, itā€™s really very much the opposite. Not to toot my own horn but Iā€™m reasonably attractive and have what many consider a rocking athletic body for my age (54). So, yes most people are like you. They react with amazement and astonishment that someone who looks like me chooses celibacy! Iā€™ve endured the comment ā€œwhat a wasteā€ on several occasions. Generally, I just try to avoid talking about it at all. Sometimes I just lie and say Iā€™m seeing someone. Iā€™m not sure if thereā€™s a way I can adequately address the topic because the reasons for making such a choice are so personal.

Yup, thatā€™s about the size of it.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I happen to be the proud owner of the worldā€™s most irrelevant vaesectomy.

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My first reaction was ā€œbig dealā€. Then I saw the added ā€˜self-gratificationā€™ clause. Never mindā€¦

Iā€™m a gay twenty-something (white) who has lived in New York off an on, and have abstained from sex for over three years. I live with my best friend, another gay twenty-something, very attractive guy who didnā€™t lose his virginity until age 26, and whose encounters are infrequent. Iā€™m generally agnostic and heā€™s an atheist.

Not sharing that because of some smug need to condescend, but because I think itā€™s an issue, especially in the gay community, that few are willing to discuss. So, thanks! Personally, I havenā€™t really missed it, but itā€™s fascinating to hear it from a different perspective.

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Iā€™m completely OK with people living their lives as may seem best for them. I think thatā€™s what America is all about. My own opinion is that us humans are happiest in the long run if we find a life partner. That and my children are the joy of my life. At the same time, I kind of wish the millenials had a relationship with their dictionary. ā€œCelibateā€ means not married. What this person is describing is chastity.

Accusing the author of this quite well-written piece of not having ā€œa relationship with [his] dictionaryā€ seems pretty unfair. In any case, ā€œcelibateā€ means being either sexually abstinent, unmarried, or both (look it up). The author is using the word entirely correctly.

So, do you jack off? If so, then whatā€™s the difference?

Why not take the more trad route and wait until after the third or fourth date? What difference would that make? How about limiting sex to being with people you really, really want to have sex with for a bunch of reasons?

Something both weird about selling a piece about this and also about going from lots of sex to none. Also, although Iā€™m writing this, I also kind of donā€™t care.

Even with the pretty much equality of sexes in modern society, particularly modern urban society, men and women arenā€™t quite the same, and sex between men and women still is going to tend to have some certain dynamics. But between people of the same sex itā€™s a different story, which isnā€™t dealt with at all here.

By the way, that completely inaccurate NYC cityscape graphic is kind of irritating. Itā€™s more Vegas than NYC.