The Republican Hypocritical Oath
I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:…
I will reject the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such Biblical nonsense as is mine with those who are to follow.
I will apply, for the benefit of the insurance industry, all measures which are required, applying those twin courses of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism depending on my bank account.
I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding will get in the way of an efficient flow of patients in my practice.
I will not be ashamed to say “I know not,” nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of a pharmaceutical rep are needed for my investment account’s recovery.
I will respect the privacy of my lobbyists, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. Above all, I must not play at God by interfering in the free market.
I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick, miserable, lazy, worthless human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic ability to pay. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the irresponsible sick.
I will prevent disease whenever I can but I will always look for a path to keep Medicaid patients out of my office.
I will remember that I remain a member of Republican society, with special obligations to all my fellow Republicans, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm of ideology.
If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and second homes in Aspen, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of billing those who seek my help.